New blog bitches!
No more updates here!

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Time to close this chapter and start anew.
:)
No use looking back.
I'll always love you though.
NO I'm NOT tryna make u feel guilty you asshole.
:D

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My last attempts...
September 29th.
October 2nd.

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One of those days again. I wish he can be the same with me. I wish he'd care about this relationship as much as I do now. I wish he'd accept me the way I am and not try to change that. I love him. But more so, I don't think he means the same when he says these three words anymore. For my birthday, I wish he'd treat me as he would before this recent break up. I don't need anything. If he does buy anything, I'll give it back and I'll tell him what I really want.

I love him.

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Another hopeless night. Space is key as James would say. But the five letters that make up this word frightens me so much. Instead of it being temporary, what if it ends up being forever? I thought I had made significant progress in winning you back yesterday, but it turns out it was just another failure of mine. What would of happened if my phone hadn't died? Would we have been together right now? You were on your third rule and I was busy negotiating on rule number two. I feel so stupid so childish that I had wasted time even trying to negotiate with you on number two. Why hadn't I just listened and let you continue? It keeps me wondering what if you had finished with all your rules? And that I had agreed to follow them all? I would probably be very happy right now.

Baby, I miss you so much. I can feel your pain, each and everytime I get mad and shun you out of my life. Now I feel how much it hurts. Baby, you're my everything. I can't believe how you managed to tell me to stop seeing you as the only guy in the world. You may not be the only guy in the world, but you're the ONLY guy for me. I'm sorry, I know I fucked up on Wednesday. What if I hadn't been mad at you on that day? We would of been still very happy and together. I wish I can turn back time; now that I have realized the mistake that I have made. I love you. I love you for who you are. I love you the most before you even changed. Although the eating part could of been a bit cleaner haha. But that's all a part of what makes francisco urrea himself. And what sucks is that I'd never be able to go back to these wonderful/unsanitary times. I love you again. I wish you can see through these words. Through this pain. That deep down I'd do anything for you now.
You're my one and only Frankie, baby, babe.
Goodbye.

If faith is with me tonight and you do happen to stumble upon this, if you your mind, please call, I'll be up waiting tonight.

Baby I love you. I only want to be with you. For now until the end.

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I feel that he doesn't want to be with me. Yet he's doing it because he feels sorry for me. I mean why else would he say I love you and still be confused? Those three words mean exactly what they stand for. There is no reason to be confused after saying those three words to someone who you have these feelings for. It hurts how it took him so long to decide over her and I. And in the end, yes I was no doubt happy that he chose me. But what really messed me up was that he didn't sound so pleased with his decision. This keeps me wondering what this girl has that I never will have, and what keeps him attracted to her so much. She must be a special one. :)

>.< blogging cuz I can sleep blah!

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I'm a fucken fail.
I don't deserve to be here.
I don't need your pity.
So go on with your life and I'll attempt to do the same.
I love you. I always will.
:)

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Let's see how long this will last.
Doing good when he's not around. >.<
I should keep myself occupied. :)

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My last resort. I never asked you about where this girl came from. All I wanted to know was is she your cousin? Or was she an ex? I can care less about her family.

I hope he stays away from me tomorrow.
As of now, I need him to treat me like shit. Because he's not the one that has fallen hard for me, and this would be an easier thing to do. For me it's the other way around. I'm the one who fell hardest for him. Now it's gonna be hard to back out.

I need to go to a psychologist.
There's something wrong.
>.>

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I can't fucken take this anymore.
I need to get out quick.
Before I go suicidal.
He has no fucken trust.
I can never be what I want in life if he's still around.
Yes I know he cares.
But there's a fucken limit.

Can't wait till college.
Can't wait till I'm 18.
Fuck this shit.
If he's keeping it up I'm moving out.

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FML.
I can't stop.

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Why all of a sudden? Tears just won't stop coming. It hurts so much. I know he's been doing things. It just sucks that I'll never find out what it is. What sucks even more is that I can't let go.

Upcoming nights..
Gah I'll be restless.
Swollen eyes.
Massive headaches.

What else is new?

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Tennis has been hell.
I could of been done with those ap projects by now.
ASB is putting a shitload of stress.
And school is rapidly approaching.
First game is home. On the 11th
Soo not ready.
I currently have the worst foot cramp waiting to happen.
:(
CsuLB. My goal. :)
The only thing I'm looking forward to.

I still hate people screaming at me.
Oh how I wish something adorable would happen.
Something unpredictable would be nice.
:)

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So I'm in Vietnam and I still have the time to blog. Blah.
Worried?
Pretty much everyday.
Excited?
For the day he stops.
Exhausted?
After thAt long night.
Devastated?
After I found out they could never be.

Fuck.
I want to get to know someone who would put up with me.

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All it takes is one mistake to change a person huh? I really miss the way he used to be back then. Instead of the jerk he is today. Nowadays, I just ask myself why am I still around? Shouldn't I be off with someone else? Possibly having a better time than I am now? Crying myself to sleep isn't just a once in awhile thing anymore, but rather yet, it's becoming a routine. It hurts so much to let him go. Then in return, it's causing so much pain to keep him around. Maybe my friend was right, that I'm just causing myself more pain and grief. Both of which I shouldn't have to be dealing with right now.
What's really bothering me is that I don't know if he's just using my mistake as an excuse to talk to others. I really should of let it go at the time. But as blind as I was, I thought things would return to normal. I am one stupiddddd human being.
So I sent him a message yesterday.. I know for a fact that I wouldn't be able to live up to the things I've promised. They're just too hard. Is he really worth going through all this for? Am I really happy inside? Or am I still indecisive? Am I really willing to share him?

Gosh.
I can't fucken sleep for more than 6 hours nowadays.

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As soon as I get to this page and start to blog, I forget what I was gonna blog about. So a bit earlier my friend told me a story of him and his ex. While I was listening, I was like wow that's amazing. It's amazing how two people who are completely in love came to their senses and decided that since they were still young they should take the opportunity to be with other people. Yes at first I was wondering "what if one falls on love with another person? What will happen to the promise then?" But he told me that no matter how much they loved their significant other at the time, him and his ex were still madly in love. That his love for her far exceeds the love he will have for anyone else. As surprised as I was, I asked him another question, "so you're gf at the time didn't matter?" In response he replied, that he did love the gf at the time, but he loved his ex more. To add more detail, him and his ex were already planning to get married an have kids.
But they were just laying it off until they both feel that it's the right time to commit to each other.
He's complicated. But I admire the fact that he's stuck to one girl for so long. Gah. I can't sleep. :(

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Random..

Prove me wrong.
You're just a douche.
I fucken hate them.
Cheating stupid liars.
It's all about the money isn't it?

What's the one category that I fall under?
I'd rather not fail to understand your stupid games.
But better yet, understand them and walk on them not in them. =]

Was it a mistake to ask him that?
Why was I shaking?
The feeling was soo intense.
It's unexplainable.

Lying decieving people can all go to hell.
Manipulating bastards?
Those bitches can get eaten by lions.
Preferrably get ran over by a train.

Why is the weather so uninviting?
Pessimistic. Optimistic.
LMFAO. ^-^

Random visits?
I'd like them. =D
Take me somewhere.

That dream..
Oh dang.
Lets hope mine doesn't come true.
^-^

That's the end of it.
Cuz my uncle is staring.
>.<

Goddamn it why do I feel like crying?

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So this week so far has been a blast. On Monday was the finals of eagles invitational then afterwards was the asb banquet. I was super fat at the restaurant. :) thank god it was a buffet. Chinastar was good stuff. As for the eagles invitational, we took second thanks to the stupid aggressive net players. -___- but oh well they did deserve it. Team caramel still pwns.
Tuesday was let's finish ap hw day. It was depressing but at least I got to hit with him. That's the only highlight of the day. Oh and my dad talks too much about work. I can care less!! And I don't like her because she's too pretty. :(
Today was the last pep rally. Mainly held for the seniors. :( setting up was tiring but as far as I know, everyone said it went well. We need blue tape!!! Rosalie was our lifesaver. Senior rise brought tears to my eyes even if I didn't like some of them. WHEN I SAY TWENTY YOU SAY TEN! Gah!! Current juinors needed to get on the mic. Jerking.. Hmmmph it disgusted me how everyone got into it. :( it's the most horrible dance ever! And now I'm procrastinating. I don't want to finish this essay. :(
Tomorrow is our one year. Then rainforest cafe.
:)
Crap! Senior portraits.. There goes my money. :/

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I feel so stupid for exaggerating over something like that. I shouldn't be jealous of her. Except I feel like I have competition. There's definitely something wrong.

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WHOOO!

Four more dayss.
FOUR MORE FUHHREAKEN DAYS.
I love you.
^-^

I'm gonna get that FOUR point ONE.

=D

So happy. There's nothing to hide.
I've moved on from the past.
I don't believe I'll ever fall for someone like that again.
He's a great friend.
But just proved to me that college means a fresh start.
Forget the rest.
Forget the promises.
They don't mean anything anymore.
Good luck my friend.


I need GATSBY.
Thanks bye!

^-^

There's so many great people out there. Thanks to one great friend, he has opened my eyes to the world. To be so much more outgoing than I already am. So I made a new friend, or well he's not technically a "new friend," but more so someone who I got to know more about. It turns out he wasn't what I thought he was. He's MEXICAN. >.< Because of his eyes and his skin color, he looks cambodian.. To add to that, he was in our Asia Group for International day; which made me go WTF? Eh.. Turns out he liked to draw HJ dolls that's why he joined our group.

Bleh... International day was a blast. CSF sold out once again. ^-^ I fucken love these Latinos. Errr. But APICC had alot of leftovers and ended up selling them for a quarter of the price afterwards. -___- But honestly.. I can give a shit because they don't really do anything with the money. Someone has my rice hat. I brought in eight for club week my Sophomore year and they've been in the ASB room. Now they're no where to be found.

AVID club.. Seventy percent of the funds goes to the seniors? WTF?!?!? And twenty left for the upcoming class next year?!?! Shit that means more fund-raising.. -_- I can already see multiple car washes coming up next year.

Tennis. I'm happy and sad at the same time. Coach could do her part by helping me out with the uniforms and warm-ups for next year. Summer practice schedule has already been made. Now all I need to do is be sure to remind the girls to bring a can of balls each on the first day of practice over the summer. If not then I'm forced to use the fundraising money to purchase it. So we need a box of practice balls, and a water jug this summer. As for Mara she wants the extras like a boombox... She swears.. I'm trying to help the girls get in shape before they start hitting. So I hope, that Frankie can condition with them for the three weeks until I come back. ^-^ And when I do come back, I better see an improvement. It's then that we can really start practicing. These girls have alot of potential, for example they're either really strong or really fast. If we can combine these two things, that will make a great tennis player. And who knows? Maybe by the beginning of September they'll be able to challenge me. ^-^

EEEKKKK AP entrance exams come out Monday. -___-
Taco's Chihuahuas Monday! ^-^
Tennis tourney Thursday along with Parent Night, and Spanish presentations.
June 10th Boys tennis banquet.
June 11th One year Anniversary, Downtown Disney, Cousin's B-day.
June 13th Chris's Grad party.
June 15th Graduation. =[


Thanks for reading.
Kay bye. =]

FML. School's going by so fast.

!!klasdhgasdf!

And so I feel idiotic for doing what I did. Thanks Mara… I don’t think I’ll ever take advice from you like this. Blah. You’re the reason why I keep losing so many friends. -___- But then again why do I care right? We’re all going to lose contact sometime in life. Anyways.. I should stop worrying about everyone and really focus on those who really care. Ehh. Even if some of them can annoy the shit out of me, I guess I just have to love who they are. It’s life.. People love, people hate.. Some just don’t care. FML. FTW.
WEEE!!!! ^-^
Tennis practice was soo retarded today.
I wanna stop talking him because I feel ashamed.
Errr.
Or probably it’s because I feel he wants to avoid me.

COACH is trying. I give her props. ^-^

aslkfha

4 more days until your graduation.
5 more days until I get my braces off and dance showcase.
7 more days until Terry, Jaleeza, and I go get fat.
8 more days until the class outing at San Pedro.


=D

June 4th = Tennis tourney and AVID night. [Come watch me speak!]
June 10th = Tennis banquet.

Ohhhh emmm gee.
I FUCKEN HATE THEM.
Those bitches can go to hell.

May 16, 2009

Six more days...
Lets see where this goes.

If it's just going to be the way it is right now...
The procedure will just take place.
Therefore there will be no regret.

Uh?

I feel bold enough to do anything right now.
I feel like I've just fallen really hard but I didn't hit concrete. ...
Instead, I hit an overly soft pillow.

Over time that pillow turned into a lovable teddy bear.
But that teddy bear isn't fluffy.
I think it only has less than 2 inches of fur.

This teddy bear is my bestfriend.
The one who makes me smile then tears me apart.
My teddy bear has a name.
I call it "The FAG"

Gotta loveit<3

Too too sweet.

Was it you?
Or was it someone else?
That moment was too good to be true.
Yes I know I'm overexaggerating...
But Oh well.
You make me want to boogey.
That was how happy I was.
=D

CIF...
I wonder how they did..

My SPEECH!
Was soo retarded... But it was funny.
Or LEGIT.
Was what some said.
>.>

Spanish teacher was cracking up..
-___-

May 9, 2009

The LIST.

1. I lied when I said it'd be okay for you to go out.
2. I currently changed my mind about going to college nearby.
3. My dream getaway was to be by your side.
4. I feel that we're separating.
5. I used to think it mattered how hard it was to cry... But now crying's just a reflex now to you.
6. Needs a new beginning.
7. I'm determined to start a new beginning this summer.
8. Needs to learn to let go.
9. Wants to attend the University of Hawaii.

=/

So it turns out it’s too late. Everytime I see him pass by I can’t help but look the other way. I’m glad that he has moved on so rapidly. It just proves to me that he isn’t as hurt from the break up as I am. Everything would be so much easier to live by if I just cut off all connections with him. I tried deleting his number; I even tried telling him to forget about me and delete my number. Instead this brought more tears. Why even try being friends when the pain is so unbearable? I’d rather let the pain come at full drastic speed than let it come by so slowly that it’s able to make me think of the worse. That way I could forget sooner and get out of this place.

Oh yes..

SAT 1 is done with... Now for APs and SAT 2s.
I feel blank.
At times I don't even know what I'm doing.
And why I'm doing it.
I feel so lost.
I used to be so out there..
But now I'm a reserved little one..
It's like "Carolyn is old news now."

Unfortunately, I don't talk to anyone but friends.
Close friends that is..
They can't help with what I'm going through...
But at least they're the drug that gets my mind off of things for awhile.
And that's what keeps me addicted.

=]

It sucks.

So grades just came in, 6 B's and 2 A's. Thanks to these p0ooper grades I'm grounded. No more staying afterschool for me. To add to that, he just broke up with me just because I can't choose. So supposedly he chose for me and broke up with me? --->WTF<--- And now one of my friends are thinking that I'm avoiding her because of all this drama. Sometimes stupid people like that should just go to hell. They seriously have nothing better to do than meddle into other people's lives. Yes I understand they are friends, but this one problem I just have to deal with on my own. My only way out of this is to let things cool down, and hopefully, just hopefully, things will work out. What I meant by things working out is that both he and I will finally have a normal conversation again. FXCK FXCK FXCK.

Life as it is.

It's incredible how he has no idea I have feelings for him. Sadly he likes my friend who thinks he's a total creep. Just because of the the fact that he has tried to be friendly. AP exams are coming up which is stressing the poopers out of me. To add to that, SATs are fastly approaching. And before you know it, junior year is over and all the seniors will leave. So many more years of miserable school life that I don't even have the drive to become what I want to be. Just thinking about it makes me pessimistic. Eh.